I lean; open the window, to feel the breeze rise up through my chest, and touch my cheeks. Dogs wander; they rule the streets in the darkness below.
As sirens pass, I lay in bed, in arms that once protected me. Now; harbingers. Of pain. Of fear. Of broken promises. They serve as snares that entrap me.
And if you were to ask me why I shake in your arms in the night, I would confess it was the cold of the open window. Convinced you are satisfied with the explanation, I would return to cry myself into sweet slumber.
Broken heart; and tired mind.
Useless body, set out to find,
A solemn place to belong,
Where you can dance, and write your song.
Where worries past, will not follow,
Torture you, obsess and swallow.
Where what you grow into; matters more,
Than what you were, from long before.
Companions come, and surely go,
And while where they went, you’d like to know,
Free they are; let them wander over hill,
And out of sight, forever still.
Love you’ve had, has left you to dwindle,
And still with open heart you’ve managed to rekindle,
Time again sparked hope from ash,
And time again, your body’s been smashed.
Bruised and cracked, imperfect and scarred,
Your thoughts and feelings, permanently marred.
Trust and expectation are always cautious,
Every bout of closeness, makes you noxious.
Never been given reason for kind,
Yet still your heart, and that word entwined,
And so through fog you wander on,
To find the place, where you belong.
It’s darkness out there, with fumbling hand,
You cast it out, searching for land,
In lieu of that, as you’ve found times past
Instead you feel somebody, at last.
They hold you tight, and pull you close,
You could not tell who needs who most,
But of course you would not let on,
Your defences are up, you appear to be strong.
You’ll try not to care, for fear of ridicule,
It will go unnoticed, that it’s yourself the fool.
You’ll talk and wonder, and eventually you’ll share,
And at some point you’ll come to realise you care,
You capsulise and notice, every detail
And while you try to find the bad, every time you fail,
While every other has given you reason to doubt,
You find yourself in wonder of what this person is about.
There’s hope and wonder now in your eyes,
And try as you will; you can’t disguise.
They’ve broken through; see who you are,
And they adore you still, for that every scar.
Through imperfection they’ll see you perfect,
They’ll see beauty where you see defect.
And as paths ahead split, you wish; nae you know,
They’ll follow you wherever you go.
Then at some point, as you both foot down path,
And you try to anticipate what could be aftermath,
You realise you no longer travel simply side by side,
But you walk hand in hand, and together you stride.
You don’t look ahead, and rather stare into eyes,
As the dawning sun, breaks the burning skies.
Together you slow, almost down to a crawl,
Amidst dewy grass, wild land critters answer the call.
You both seem to hear, you need not travel any more,
As together you understand, what you’ve been looking for.
Come away; take them in hand, and lay, for no longer you roam,
What you searched for was love; and so with love – you’re home.
You don’t have to do it alone.
No matter what it is; or how you feel; if you are right or wrong; or if you feel you are too far along. Whether the outcome will be a success or a failure; whether you will be forgiven or not; whether things can go back to the way they were or not; whatever you are going through – you do not have to do it alone.
Loneliness is such a hauntingly beautiful concept; because it’s so ironically universal. It’s something that unites us all together. We have all felt alone.
Sometimes in a dark room, with a beer or a glass of wine on something resembling a table in front of you, you will feel alone. As you monitor friends and family, who seem to be having fun. Perhaps you’re sitting and wondering who that person you think about, is thinking about. And maybe you’re wondering why they aren’t here beside you.
Sometimes, shoulder to shoulder, or on a busy street, you will feel so alone. As no one looks your way, or perhaps that they do and choose to stay at a distance. Perhaps it’s even one of those times, when people are talking to you; but the words they say and the ways they relate to their life and yours around them, you would be better off talking to a lion who has been taught your native tongue – for your two frames of reference are so far apart you no longer understand each other.
Sometimes it’s our own pride that brings about our true sadness. The thought that we should be able to shoulder the weight of the world, for this is what makes us strong and tough. This is a fallacy. A whisper that loneliness will repeat in your ear for hours on end. If you have convinced yourself this is true, then know this instead. It is not brave, to accept burden alone. It is not more dignified, or more humble, to pretend the world does not beat you down, and get the better of you on some days. Or perhaps for weeks or months on end.
This is the cruelty of life. It does this to everyone. If you believe you are the only person who asks for help, and are convinced that others you know to be calm and collected never ask for help; you are mistaken. What they really do, is share the load. They distribute the bombardment amongst those they trust, whom they hold dear. And in return, when they can, they offer kindness, love, and reciprocation. They offer an ear, and a shoulder, when it is their burden to do so.
This, I would wager, is not opinion, but fact. Four people carrying 100 kilograms of weight on their shoulders seems reasonable. But one person carrying the same weight, will injure or tire themselves after not too long at all. Remember this; it’s science.
Sometimes the hardest part, is that it seems as though there is no one to even accept your requests for help. It’s a friend, who knows you’re alone, and is unwilling to alter their behaviour to accommodate you. Which arguably is the only thing worse than being alone or being sad. Being alone, and someone else knowing you’re alone. Someone else being perfectly aware of it, and yet choosing not to act upon it. It feels as though no one would care.
But someone does care. People who contact you without a reason to do so. They care about your day, for the sake of hoping it was a happy one, and nothing else. Do not forget them, or their kindness, even if they are not the person you wish was bringing it to you. They can bring some light into your life, as long as you let them. Loneliness is only a darkness. People are not further away; you just cannot see very far in front of you. Or how far your sphere of connection stretches.
Put it does not matter if it is a trick – because it feels so real, to you. It feels empty. When you are scared of what you may find beyond your vision. And your fingers shake, and your arms wave all around you hoping to find someone there, to hold their hand and pull it closer. To feel their warmth against yours, even if they too are afraid.
Whatever makes you afraid; whatever in the future scares you – don’t do it alone. Don’t push those away whom you do find in reach. If they call to you, call back.
And if no one answers – call for me. I will follow you into the dark.